DO NOT pick your nose and eat it

I have observed the following grossness in every walk of life, despite race, religion, and socio-economic background every child will at some point pick his or her nose AND potentially- yes- EAT it. For some reason, despite the absolute grossness, picking of the nose knows no boundaries.

Now I know this is an uncomfortable topic, but some things need to be addressed. This subject came up one day in our household with one of our children.

I was yuckily-surprised to see one of my offspring participating in such a repulsive act, but like I said- the nose knows no boundaries.

I addressed it like this...

FIRM VOICE, "do NOT pick your nose- it is gross! AND NEVER eat it! That's DISGUSTING! If you've got a little-something up there- go to the bathroom and clear it out privately with a tissue, but DON'T pick it in public!" (repeated 3+ times)

My husband seeing the same problem arise AGAIN and hoping to rid us of the debacle with no further reminders addressed it like this...

Father to child, "Are you picking your nose and eating it? No we don't do that. Come here."

He opens our kitchen compost- chalk full of rotten, decomposing food and floor sweepings.

Then he says to our little one, "see this. This is the no good stuff left-over from the food. Would you eat this?"

Child, "No."

Father, "Your snot is like the no-good stuff left-over from your body. If you pick your nose and eat it, it is like eating the compost. If you pick your nose and eat it- you won't have any friends."

Child, "okay."

The End

Moral of the story: If you pick your nose and eat it you are a disgusting person and no will ever want to be associated with you.

Halloween Babies

While talking one day, my sister-in-law told my brother-in-law (her husband) that they would be dressing my 8-month old niece as a chicken for Halloween.

Disgusted by the apparent "sissyness" of a chicken, my brother-in-law said:

"that isn't scarey!"

My sister-in-law reminded him that she didn't necessarily want their daughter to be frightening, to which my brother shared his idea of a great baby costume:

"I thought we could dress her up as a maggot".

Celebrity Status

My children all look very much alike as babies: round, chubby faces, huge eyes, little noses, and rosy mouths.

When my oldest daughter was a baby people (friends and strangers alike) frequently remarked about her resemblance to the Gerber baby. I heard the comment so often that I called Gerber to see if they had a baby contest. They informed me that at Gerber they believe ALL babies are beautiful and that they didn't distinguish between any of them. (Obviously ALOT of people thought they had a Gerber Baby and Gerber didn't wish to notify them otherwise).

When my daughter became a toddler the comments were more about the Copperrtone Kid and Cindy-Lou Who, and since her toddler years reference has been made to Tinkerbelle.

All this said, I wasn't particularly surprised when a friend told me that my second daughter resembled someone famous. My girls look very similar so I thought it was one of the above-mentioned "celebs". My friend told me it was not any of them but couldn't quite put his finger on it.

One day while at a church social, my friend was observing my daughter. A lightbulb clicked.

He approached me and with his finger in the air, he said, "I know who [she] looks like now!"

Waiting for a foreseeable response I asked, "who?"

His answer: "An Ewok!"

Unwritten Childhood Rites of Passage

1. They will flush something down the toilet that they shouldn't (more than once)

2. They will write on things that are not paper- i.e. your walls, your table, your furniture, your floor

3. They will break valuable items

4. They will eat a non-food item and you will call Poison Control

5. They will fart or burp louder then a man (when they are the size of a mans arm), and they will occassionally do this in an inappropriate location.

6. They will put EVERYTHING in their mouth- for what seems like forever

7. They will copy what you say

8. They will fall out of bed

9. They will bleed or break

10. They will NO MATTER how ZEN you or they are: hit, kick, punch, scream, bite, and/or scratch their siblings.

11. They will slime something somewhere i.e. icecream on your kitchen floor, diaper cream all over their bodies, lotion on your carpet

If you have kids you just did the check-list and started remembering the crazy days of motherhood... feel free to share what your kid ate, slimed, wrote-on, or broke in your comments!

Tanya the "Vampire"

Since Halloween is fast approaching- I thought this story would be a fun one to share. It happened before I had kids- but all these things bring us experience!

I've known my friend Tanya for along time. Like- I don't know- I'm going to say 12 years- maybe more?- probably more. I don't know. Anyways- we'll just go with twelve... and in all that time not once have I looked at her and thought: "gee you look like a vampire maybe I should slay you." Nope not once.
Until...

One night somewhere just before or after Christmas of 2000, my boyfriend, my friend, and I went to "my house"- (this was the house my friend Kristiane so kindly let me co-habit while she house-sat and took care of a mentally-ill Dalmatian). There were a number of our mutual friends over as we were having some sort of low-energy output, big-calorie consumption shindig.

We go to the door expecting to hear the hustle and bustle of comrades in the full swing of fun, but instead we are greeted by a little note letting us know that Tanya is at emergency and everyone has gone. As you can well imagine we are concerned- I mean if everyone has gone AND the word "emergency" has been used it must be bad.

We step inside for a CSI moment. There on the dining room floor is a wooden chair: one leg broken and the end smeared with blood. No "spatter" or "pooling"... just the tip- gross none the less.

We figure this is serious enough for us to join the party at the hospital. When we arrive, the inner waiting area is packed with our little party of well-wishers- each and all crossing their fingers that Tanya will be "alright".

"What happened?" we ask- and I believe the following account can only be attributed to a vampire- slaying ghost from the netherworld.
Tiny-Tanya had sat upon a usually sturdy wooden chair when it suddenly collapsed from under her- the back leg breaking into dagger-like form and then somehow? (who knows how? I'm not sure a physics-major would know how?) forcefully lodged itself in her upper leg just below her butt- sending her and all her friends to the emergency room to see if she might need stitches.

She has steely eyes, and she's pretty fair complected; she does have dark hair... but her teeth are pretty normal, and she seems to go to bed at a reasonable hour so I don't know why anyone would associate her with the count... but I'm pretty sure a ghost name Buffy is out to get her.

The new Benefiber

My 5-year old daughter recently had breakfast at her great grandparents. On the menu was wheat-puffs. She gobbled up most of the contents of her bowl and then went off to play. Her great-grandfather (we call him "the great-grampa") threw the remainder into the toilet, but didn't get a chance to flush it before my daughter had to make a quick trip a la potty.

Apparently she DID NOT notice the wheat puffs before she did her business.

After flushing the toilet and noticing the wheat puffs going down, she emerged from the bathroom and exclaimed:

"boy those went right through me!"

Bucko Going Bananas

(I originally wrote this a few years ago)

Some times I yell. Some times I think my neighbours think I am crazy. Sometimes I wish they read my blog and know why my voice escalates decibels...

The following incident I truly believe all stems from our governments irresponsible advertising of gambling. More than a year ago my oldest daughter started recognizing "Bucko" on TV like other kids might recognize Mickey Mouse or Dora the Explorer. (For all of my non- local friends "Bucko" is the lame local lotto mascot- a loonie with a smiley face scrawled on it in black indelible marker, taped to the end of a tongue depressor. They use this thing in commercials to somehow entice you to gamble. I don't know any adult convinced that Bucko will bring them luck and smiles but I do know one toddler. With her deep-seeded belief that Bucko is good, there is no doubt the newest Lotto 649 commercial also yielded a strong impression on my little one and whetted her appetite of interest... I will continue with this after I paint the picture of this morning's calamities...

So my daughter ate some yogurt and a BANANA for breakfast. She and my baby proceeded to empty all the footwear from the front closet... fairly regular occurrence- really need some doors on that thing. So here I am cleaning it up, not teaching my kid any lessons about responsibility, because I'm trying to teach her a lesson about time-management and we have got to get to swimming lessons.

Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. No, nooo, noooooooooooooooooooooo... I turn around... you think I'm going to say she broke some glass, or was peeing on the floor, or tapping on something... no none of the above is correct. In fact my little daughter was mimicking the latest and greatest escapades displayed in the ridiculous marketing schemes of the Lotto 649- she was swinging from the chandelier!

Today I yelled.

From this day forward we are cutting back on bananas.